i have my two hands.

my heart hasn't felt this way in a really, really long time.

fever, turn the lights out. take a different road. let us be.

this morning, i awoke to the end of an instant messenger conversation with a new friend. he said we have conversations that he barely has with anyone, and used the words maelstrom and beautiful, among others. i told jenna the favorite parts of the conversation that she slept through, the most humorous being when he said 'my dick didn't even flinch.' maybe it was my overtiredness... because i thought it was a lot funnier last night than i do now.

i feel really good about our show last night.
a lot of my friends came that i didn't even tell that we were playing, some that had never seen us play before, and they all had wonderful things to say.
it made me feel good for us.

as i was looking at the jobs on craigslist this morning, i remembered one of my dreams last night.
i was pregnant.
i've never had that dream before because i've always been able to control them enough to stay realistic.
i can't even put into words how i feel right now, but i probably shouldn't be listening to azure ray.

i had this kind of friendship two years ago.
it was a good one.
i still have the two dollar bill that he gave me for parking at the hospital when we went to go see mary's brother.
i'm grateful that maggie digitally caught this moment in time.

i think we're just going to have to be secretly in love with each other, and leave it at that, richie.

my mother called the other day and we were talking about when we thought my sister was going to pop. i guessed the 29th or 30th i think. she guessed the 1st. i asked her if carol had found any names that she liked for baby brockway, and my mom said, "no, just so long as it isn't oliver."
it took a minute to register that i had shared with her that that's the name that i want to name my little boy.
it made me smile that she remembered and cares enough to bring it up-- that she hasn't lost hope. because sometimes i do.
...yesterday i was talking to my friend and i told him what my mother said.
his reply was,
"he's gonna be fat. oliver is a fat kid's name."

the other night i went for a walk around 230 am or something like that. as i was walking past the park i heard the fountain so i went to sit next to it for a while.
was the fountain a metaphor for life?
probably not.
but i thought about it for a while because it sounded poetic.
we used to drink in that park in high school. why we drove downtown to do it escapes me... but, i found i still go there to escape.
it still smells exactly the same.

i had an interview yesterday.
i feel that her and i clicked moreso than any other person who's interviewed me, and i found that chemistry made it so much easier to carry on a conversation.
i should be getting a call next week for a technical interview where i'll either have to wax or perform a facial or both.
not that i play guitar a shit ton, but i should take it easy so the callouses on my fingers go away.
this job would be amazing.

today is/would be papa's birthday! <3

we all hide a diary beneath some matress.

june 5th, 2008
[deleted] ...and i will take responsibility for that.
now, i am left jaded, again. and drunk.
all of my friends are graduating from real school, and i can't help but feel inferior because i took a break. i can still sleep at night because of it, but sometimes my future and my decisions keep me awake.
my grandmother's ten year wedding anniversary is this weekend and i'm looking forward to being with my family.
i'm looking forward to just being. that's all we've ever asked of each other.

may 10, 2008
i had another dream about laura.
i've been having weird dreams and nightmares. i've woken up on numerous accounts sweatier than i am after i go for a good run. i've also starting waking up several times throughout the night, something i've only done in the past if i've drank too much... this has been happening for a couple of weeks, with the exception of a couple of nights ago-- that was a good night. today, my dream about laura was different. i awoke with a theory that i'm going to die soon. i was working or something, and i kept hurrying to meet her and i didn't want to be any later than i already was. she was dead in my dream, so meeting her was very important. finally i saw her at a table, and she looked so gorgeous and happy with long hair and minimal makeup.
she looked at peace.
the last thing i remember is me saying something to her along the lines of 'i'm sorry it took me so long, but i finally made it! i'm here.'
i kind of feel like wherever she is now, she is waiting for me.
we always ended up there for each other, no matter how long it took one of us to get there.

may 8th, 2008
i have a postcard that i made to send in to postsecret almost two years ago.
has it really been two years?
still a secret. still ashamed.
perhaps a little more comfortable.
at least.
someone asked me why i deleted my old journal even though they didn't even notice that it was gone. i don't blame them i guess; i hardly wrote in it, and my last two entries were in spanish. i deleted it because out of boredom i would go back and read old entries. i stumbled on a lot of dated, horrible memories, and terrible feelings that i chose not to revisit. it's not that i didn't enjoy reading about old best friendships and everything that we used to get into, but that's not who i am anymore. i still remember the good things, like the entry about the time the cops were called because we were playing hide and seek.
at least i can use my favorite parts of songs as entry titles again and not have to worry about repeats.