we all hide a diary beneath some matress.

june 5th, 2008
[deleted] ...and i will take responsibility for that.
now, i am left jaded, again. and drunk.
all of my friends are graduating from real school, and i can't help but feel inferior because i took a break. i can still sleep at night because of it, but sometimes my future and my decisions keep me awake.
my grandmother's ten year wedding anniversary is this weekend and i'm looking forward to being with my family.
i'm looking forward to just being. that's all we've ever asked of each other.

may 10, 2008
i had another dream about laura.
i've been having weird dreams and nightmares. i've woken up on numerous accounts sweatier than i am after i go for a good run. i've also starting waking up several times throughout the night, something i've only done in the past if i've drank too much... this has been happening for a couple of weeks, with the exception of a couple of nights ago-- that was a good night. today, my dream about laura was different. i awoke with a theory that i'm going to die soon. i was working or something, and i kept hurrying to meet her and i didn't want to be any later than i already was. she was dead in my dream, so meeting her was very important. finally i saw her at a table, and she looked so gorgeous and happy with long hair and minimal makeup.
she looked at peace.
the last thing i remember is me saying something to her along the lines of 'i'm sorry it took me so long, but i finally made it! i'm here.'
i kind of feel like wherever she is now, she is waiting for me.
we always ended up there for each other, no matter how long it took one of us to get there.

may 8th, 2008
i have a postcard that i made to send in to postsecret almost two years ago.
has it really been two years?
still a secret. still ashamed.
perhaps a little more comfortable.
at least.
someone asked me why i deleted my old journal even though they didn't even notice that it was gone. i don't blame them i guess; i hardly wrote in it, and my last two entries were in spanish. i deleted it because out of boredom i would go back and read old entries. i stumbled on a lot of dated, horrible memories, and terrible feelings that i chose not to revisit. it's not that i didn't enjoy reading about old best friendships and everything that we used to get into, but that's not who i am anymore. i still remember the good things, like the entry about the time the cops were called because we were playing hide and seek.
at least i can use my favorite parts of songs as entry titles again and not have to worry about repeats.