don't look straight back; look away.

I guess I just never understood why some people let themselves get so angry that it makes everyone else around them really uncomfortable.

what's left to lose? i've done enough. and if i fail well then i fail but i gave it a shot.

and these last three years, i know they've been hard, but it's time to get out of the desert and into the sun.

even if it's alone.

or maybe, as sure as tomorrow will come.

looking back on my twenties, sometimes i think the only thing i've accomplished is not killing myself.

everything all of the time.

"When you don't want to feel, death can seem like a dream.
But seeing death, really seeing it, makes dreaming about it fucking ridiculous."

i feel like once you see it, there is no going back.
nothing ever appears like it used to.
and though at times dreaming about anything else feels absurd and unrealistic, death is inevitable; and sometimes it's the only thing i'm sure of.
i've certainly felt happiness, and do so on a daily basis, but it is fleeting.
death is concrete.
when death comes it won't make you fall in love then leave you for its ex-lover.
death doesn't ignore your text messages or forget to call.
it rips the rug out from under your feet and sets fire to it.
maybe your bare toes will be on a clean, hardwood floor.
or maybe you'll have to look at that stain on the carpet again.

sure, you're still standing...


but christ that rug was beautiful.

'cause i'm gonna cut it where i can.

"We found that all five Blue Zones possessed the same nine lifestyle characteristics. Among them: a low-meat, plant-based diet (all of them ate a lot of beans) and a ritual of "downshifting" each day. They experience the same stresses we do -- kids, health, finances -- but they managed it through daily prayer, meditation, ancestor veneration or city-wide happy hours (like the Sardinians).
The secret to longevity, as I see it, has less to do with diet, or even exercise, and more to do with the environment in which a person lives: social and physical. What do I mean by this? They live rewardingly inconvenient lives. They walk to the store and to their friends' homes and they live in houses set up with opportunities to move mindlessly. They do their own yard work, hand-knead their own bread dough, and, in the case of Okinawa, get up and down off the floor several dozen times a day.
They live in strong families that keep them motivated to support loved ones. Centenarians are still living near their children and feel loved and the expectation to love. Instead of being mere recipients of care, they are contributors to the lives of their families. They grow gardens to contribute vegetables, they continue to cook and clean. This has a powerful two-fold effect: Children and grandchildren in these families benefit from their grandparents' wisdom and care while the centenarians feel the motivation to stay active, to get out of bed in the morning, and live for a purpose."

Full Article

i'm not your babe neither.

d.e.: "it's not his fault he was unhonest."
a.a.: "unhonest? you mean dishonest?"
d.e.: "no, because i feel that 'dishonest' has the connotation that it was intentional."

well i closed my eyes and nothing's changed. just some water getting hotter in the flames.

happy sunday, i guess.