well we knew we had the good things but those never seemed to last. oh please, just last.

from my dad, received this morning:
<What time is your gathering this evening?
Yesterday, I spoke with Laney...she almost made me misty when she was speaking of you (just because of the nice things she was saying and in part, thinking about how the things she said contrast some of the difficulties she has experienced w/Mallory...). She talked about how you have become a beautiful woman, not just physically beautiful, but also by the confidence and poise you carry yourself with - she described your presence as radiant. (...I'm misty again, because it's true!)
ILYxo>>

Merry Christmas, Dad.
I'm who I am because of you.
<3.

one-- one-- one-- one or two won't do, 'cause i want it all.

i left the band for a reason.
it was a wonderfully happy and fulfilling time in my life, and i am so honored to have been a part of it.
that doesn't mean i want to talk about it all the time.
thanks.

"Does the moon have a purpose?" she inquired of Prince Charming.
Prince Charming pretended that she had asked a silly question. Perhaps she had. The same query put to the Remington SL3 elicited this response:
Albert Camus wrote that the only serious question is whether to kill yourself or not.
Tom Robbins wrote that the only serious question is whether time has a beginning and an end.
Camus clearly got up on the wrong side of bed, and Robbins must have forgotten to set the alarm.
There is only one serious question. And that is:
Who knows how to make love stay?
Answer me that and I will tell you whether or not to kill yourself.
Answer me that and I will ease your mind about the beginning and the end of time.
Answer me that and I will reveal to you the purpose of the moon.

you can put the sun away, i don't need it for today.

i love snow in the morning; sitting at my desk with coffee watching outside my window.

day three of hot flashes.

love them.
miss cali-- cali.

there's better forecasts for me.

well, i've always been had.
yeah, i've always been had.
yeah, i've always been had.
maybe it's not so bad!

all of these lines across my face tell you the story of who i am.

i am right where i should be.

los angeles is different this time; it always is.

aside from being here to see laura ('s beach) and geoff there have always been other things.
last march i needed to be away from someone. it was getting to be too much for me to handle mentally and emotionally, and the coast always seemed(seems) to help me find solace in this whirlwind and somewhat clusterfuck of a life.
i don't want to go into detail of how last summer was. but i did have someone waiting for me to come home. which i know now kept me going.

yesterday while on the plane i realized that i don't really have either of those this time.
i'm not escaping anyone or anything in ohio, and no one in ohio is waiting for me and missing me and writing me letters while i'm away.
no one is here in los angeles making my life fucking weird.

i am here to enjoy myself.
and to reconnect with myself.
i fear work has kept me from doing both of those things.

everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.

but i know it won't last.

it ain't like i'm not on your side.

Hey. (Real quick - I don't want to 'bother' you during conf week!)

What I'd like to do - I like to tear up the check you gave me for your bills (it is noted as paid {I have not cashed it yet}) - out of it, you could use whatever to buy your book(s) for your class and with the remainder buy yourself a conference outfit or two!!!

I love you.
xo




i don't know if my dad knows how much this email cheered me up.
i love you, dad.

my heart just hurts.

nothing gets crossed out.

any to do list i make gets lost amongst all of the other notes floating around my purse and apartment.

i need to:
organize my notes and reminders to myself.
organize my coupons.
organize and shred old bills and pay stubs (i hate the word 'stub').
close my bank account with kemba.
buy my plane ticket to paradise.
pay my electric bill.
call my boss and ask to get new moisturizer from the dublin spa.
finish the mailing to my clients.
write ashley a letter.
take my mustard bath.
finish the dress i started for brian and emily's wedding.
jaxen's baby blanket and diapers.

but we can't go back; we're on our own.

if i had any notion of how i'm gonna drive my car across the atlantic ocean i'd be fucking set.

everything that's happened in the past month just hit me all at once.

i've been faking it this entire time.

i cannot spend tonight thinking what i'm thinking right now.

ooh! it! feels good to be free!

thank you for reminding me, yet again, that i was never a priority.
that you do in fact act your age, and that i never did.

god can be so hilarious.

bring your flask, bring your cross, and bring your gun.

'cause i don't wanna think about the world right now.
i wanna go from bar to bar to wash the taste clean out.
and i wanna feel the way i felt when we were kids messin' around
before i thought about the world like i do now.

i took it for love, or at least something beautiful out there in the spotlight.

one year ago this week i was returning home from los angeles.
i returned in the early morning, and we spent the entire day sleeping (and not sleeping) in my bed.
life was good and i was happy and we were happy.
it's not that i'm unhappy now.
not that if i were unhappy i would admit it.
i enjoy being the 'girl that's always smiling' at my new (not so new now-- year anniversary coming up!) job.
most of them don't know my story, and i guess i prefer it that way.
so i'm always smiling at everyone.
maybe why i'm happy is because they don't know anything about me.

just spoke with my coworkers wife.
she made it through the night.
i am so afraid.

there is always something heavier that makes your weight seem so silly.