i don't beg from no rich man.

buzzed off all of nicholas' hair, remained annoying while doing so.
he looks like a doll baby.

going on a date with the dads tonight.
curtiss hasn't seen my place all done up and settled down yet.

my next day off is october 18th.
that's really cool.

no, he's nothing new, but he hasn't changed.

people are becoming crystal clear.
i think i just need(ed) to relax.

my father starting setting aside money for my brother's and my tuition when we were babes.
it's my understanding that i still have some left... somehow.
i told him two nights ago that i would like to put it toward my adoption.
i can only hope i will be as good of a parent as he is.

i'm going to be a [mer]maid of honor.

there are people who will tell ya there is always something better.

halloween 2008 costume ideas:

mario & luigi
uma & john from pulp fiction (thanks rory gilmore)
scout (& jem?) finch (to kill a mockingbird)
shawn johnson &/or nastia luikin
gothic mermaid
my favorite food
egypt
bridesmaid
90210
tom waits

you are at the top of my lungs.

my closest friends have been making appearances in my dreams lately.
two nights ago aimee was on a t.v. show in my dream, and when i got off work (in real life) she called me.
two nights ago joe was telling me about his job, and i dreamt he took a new one.
last night i was telling nicholas about mine and rose's friendship and how her madtv stuart impression was one of the occurences that solidified our relationship.!. so, i dreamt of her. i sent her an email this morning.
...the kicker was my dream about laura. they just get more and more real. and i don't know how to feel about it. i remember when i wake up and all i want is to curl up and not leave my bed until she comes back.
i forget most of it and the situation in the dream, but i do remember at the end i told her that i really missed talking to her and i have a lot of things that i want to ask her.

then i asked her if she could just come in my dreams more so we could still talk.

goddamnit.

is your daddy a fireman? he's probably big. is he a wrestler?

1:23 is the best part of the movie. hands down.


when did stefani drootin start playing with she & him?
i mean i guess it makes sense.
buh.




fucking suri.
presh to def.


before my mom moved she told me that i was her best friend.
i consider her mine, but often times i question where i stand with her, at least in comparison with my brother.
i'm moving into my second apartment the end of this month, and she hasn't said one thing about the next time she'll be down for a visit-- let alone the mention of helping me move or seeing my new place. she didn't see my first apartment for probably two months after i got it. yet, when my brother moved out in march she was here the entire weekend cleaning and getting things ready for him.
i think i'll always carry a hint of bitterness because she left. not because she made a bad decision, but moreso for my own selfish reasons in wanting my mother to reside in the same city as i do. fuck it, maybe even the same state.
i don't know.
i had a bit of a deja vu this week as i was shopping for work clothes. and by deja vu i mean all of it really happened. four years ago i was crying in the makeup aisle at target trying to pick things out for prom. i wasn't going to prom with my friends, so it wouldn't make sense that we would all be shopping together, besides, we didn't even go to the same school. earlier this week i was at tuttle crossing mall trying to find clothes that were professional but didn't make me look like i was 45 years old. i was also trying to decipher if clothes were versatile enough to be worn at both jobs, and if they would be a good investment. it just would have really helped to have my mom there i guess. this time was a little different though because amidst the height of my frustration, jenna came.
i'm sorry, i didn't mean to yell. i'm having a bad week, and i miss my mom.

there are sailing ships that pass all our bodies in the grass.

not that the opportunity ever presented itself, but i wish that i would have worked out with bela and marta karolyi at least once.
i also wish that my old coach wasn't a hag and quit before nationals.
i qualified for them, but i didn't have a coach to take me.
so it goes.

we were the wear in my favorite shirt.

maria taylor's new album has grown on me more than i had anticipated.
when i read that her and andy lemaster did an album together i was psyched, until i realized it was mainly preexisting songs of hers only done differently. they're a little slower, which is what took some getting used to. i love them now, and the few orginal songs are refreshingly good.
other than savannah drive, i got the conor oberst solo album.
both nancy and jeffrey said they weren't too crazy about it at first, but i instantly loved it.
don't know why.
it's a good cd to take a shower to.

california was very good, very tiring, but very good.
we accomplished everything that we had intended too, and on top of that i got to see geoff almost daily for two weeks.
the entire godfrey family just brings this sort of comfort with them whereever they go. i'm sure i feel so strongly since i've been around them since i was five or six years old, but it's reassuring to know that they are still a part of my life, and that i am a part of theirs.

my apartment got leased out to someone else, so i'm currently apartment hunting. i'm going to check one out tomorrow after work; the building is behind/on the same street as jenna's new building. i really hope that it works out.
i started my new job.
i have a substantial amount of stuff to do at my other job.
i talked to david earle on the phone for a little bit tonight, and shared with him that i feel like i'm becoming a grown ass woman. he told me that ever since he had me in class he knew that i was a grown ass woman. depite his relocation to pensacola and the fact that his cat is still a bitch, it was flattering coming from someone as cool and intelligent as him.

currently, i am babysitting at a house with three angels. the five year old, jesse, says the most precious things.
we were sitting on the couch watching noggin, and she scooted super close to me, so i put my hand on her head and kissed her forehead.
she just looked up at me and said, "i put that from my forehead to my cheek because that's where i keep my kisses." before i put her to bed, she gave me an eskimo kiss and a kiss on my forehead. i said, "thanks, honey!" and her response was, "umm, remember when you used to call me girlfriend?!"
she cut her own hair for the first time a couple of weeks ago.
perfection.


glad odie made it out the night before we left for california!


the first night in the studio.


reppin'.


probably one of my favorites from the trip.
(don't tap where you shit.)


outside ucb theatre.


family.


prom.


yay girlfriend!


dave's going away gift from march.
pre- pinkberry date.


thanks uncle mike, vanessa, and jw!


last morning in the studio before we left!


myspace.com/nicolivan


jw is platinum blonde now, fyi.


phantom camera.


mary lynn is 20 years old.


threw up indian food that night.


back at home with my best friend!


took mary lynn's hair virginity.


what the hell?


my camera stayed like this for a whole three minutes.


phantom tits.

also, last sunday rob from new jersey was in town to play a show.
we met on his 21st birthday; i was seventeen years old.
this was the last time (before last week) that i had seen him.
it was taken in silverlake; i was eighteen years old.

and it's the same world, honey, that has brought you down as the one that's gonna pick you up.

you're one with the best friend you lost you wish was still there.

it's just that the ocean seems like a total tease.

work was really busy this week, which i'm happy about; i'd rather have a shit ton of stuff to do than feel like i'm not doing anything.

when i was growing up, my dad and mom each got a week vacation with bobby and i. whenever we would leave, i would always cry because i didn't want to be far away from the other parent, let alone for that long.
in three days, we(tims) leave for los angeles and we'll be there two weeks. along with being away from my dad and brother for that long, i have some amazing people in my life that i'm kind of dreading being away from for that long-- namely two girls, one boy, and my husbands. forunately the band will be together, and we all rule.
also, we will be staying with my brother geoff, so if i'm going to be away from my columbus home, the next best place i would like to be would be my home in los angeles.

these photos sum up the past couple of weeks. i did my best to display them in chronological order.

idk my bff mom.


my best friend, mj, on her birthday.

noteworthy: nick manos' face.


pre pride parade breakfast!

happy pride, daddy!

post pride parade breakfast!

so happy to see them! brother brian and emily!


pre-show on sunday.

sunday evening betty's date.

errands with joe on monday.

i have my two hands.

my heart hasn't felt this way in a really, really long time.

fever, turn the lights out. take a different road. let us be.

this morning, i awoke to the end of an instant messenger conversation with a new friend. he said we have conversations that he barely has with anyone, and used the words maelstrom and beautiful, among others. i told jenna the favorite parts of the conversation that she slept through, the most humorous being when he said 'my dick didn't even flinch.' maybe it was my overtiredness... because i thought it was a lot funnier last night than i do now.

i feel really good about our show last night.
a lot of my friends came that i didn't even tell that we were playing, some that had never seen us play before, and they all had wonderful things to say.
it made me feel good for us.

as i was looking at the jobs on craigslist this morning, i remembered one of my dreams last night.
i was pregnant.
i've never had that dream before because i've always been able to control them enough to stay realistic.
i can't even put into words how i feel right now, but i probably shouldn't be listening to azure ray.

i had this kind of friendship two years ago.
it was a good one.
i still have the two dollar bill that he gave me for parking at the hospital when we went to go see mary's brother.
i'm grateful that maggie digitally caught this moment in time.

i think we're just going to have to be secretly in love with each other, and leave it at that, richie.

my mother called the other day and we were talking about when we thought my sister was going to pop. i guessed the 29th or 30th i think. she guessed the 1st. i asked her if carol had found any names that she liked for baby brockway, and my mom said, "no, just so long as it isn't oliver."
it took a minute to register that i had shared with her that that's the name that i want to name my little boy.
it made me smile that she remembered and cares enough to bring it up-- that she hasn't lost hope. because sometimes i do.
...yesterday i was talking to my friend and i told him what my mother said.
his reply was,
"he's gonna be fat. oliver is a fat kid's name."

the other night i went for a walk around 230 am or something like that. as i was walking past the park i heard the fountain so i went to sit next to it for a while.
was the fountain a metaphor for life?
probably not.
but i thought about it for a while because it sounded poetic.
we used to drink in that park in high school. why we drove downtown to do it escapes me... but, i found i still go there to escape.
it still smells exactly the same.

i had an interview yesterday.
i feel that her and i clicked moreso than any other person who's interviewed me, and i found that chemistry made it so much easier to carry on a conversation.
i should be getting a call next week for a technical interview where i'll either have to wax or perform a facial or both.
not that i play guitar a shit ton, but i should take it easy so the callouses on my fingers go away.
this job would be amazing.

today is/would be papa's birthday! <3

we all hide a diary beneath some matress.

june 5th, 2008
[deleted] ...and i will take responsibility for that.
now, i am left jaded, again. and drunk.
all of my friends are graduating from real school, and i can't help but feel inferior because i took a break. i can still sleep at night because of it, but sometimes my future and my decisions keep me awake.
my grandmother's ten year wedding anniversary is this weekend and i'm looking forward to being with my family.
i'm looking forward to just being. that's all we've ever asked of each other.

may 10, 2008
i had another dream about laura.
i've been having weird dreams and nightmares. i've woken up on numerous accounts sweatier than i am after i go for a good run. i've also starting waking up several times throughout the night, something i've only done in the past if i've drank too much... this has been happening for a couple of weeks, with the exception of a couple of nights ago-- that was a good night. today, my dream about laura was different. i awoke with a theory that i'm going to die soon. i was working or something, and i kept hurrying to meet her and i didn't want to be any later than i already was. she was dead in my dream, so meeting her was very important. finally i saw her at a table, and she looked so gorgeous and happy with long hair and minimal makeup.
she looked at peace.
the last thing i remember is me saying something to her along the lines of 'i'm sorry it took me so long, but i finally made it! i'm here.'
i kind of feel like wherever she is now, she is waiting for me.
we always ended up there for each other, no matter how long it took one of us to get there.

may 8th, 2008
i have a postcard that i made to send in to postsecret almost two years ago.
has it really been two years?
still a secret. still ashamed.
perhaps a little more comfortable.
at least.
someone asked me why i deleted my old journal even though they didn't even notice that it was gone. i don't blame them i guess; i hardly wrote in it, and my last two entries were in spanish. i deleted it because out of boredom i would go back and read old entries. i stumbled on a lot of dated, horrible memories, and terrible feelings that i chose not to revisit. it's not that i didn't enjoy reading about old best friendships and everything that we used to get into, but that's not who i am anymore. i still remember the good things, like the entry about the time the cops were called because we were playing hide and seek.
at least i can use my favorite parts of songs as entry titles again and not have to worry about repeats.