Friday, May 7, 2010

leave your sleep.

though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie;
and yet you will weep and know why.
now no matter, child, the name:
sorrow's springs are the same.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

and if young hearts should explode

no one has ever had a key or a drawer.

total love.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

quis hic locus? quae regio? quae mundis plaga?

Saturday, April 10, 2010

the deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

"i don't care what you believe about gender roles, you try telling your man you can't take his dick or have his children. he has a choice, he can walk away. i can't. i was born to be different."

Thursday, March 18, 2010

but our bodies were pulled away and swept out to the sea.

about one month until my one year anniversary.
i can't remember the exact date, so i'm just using my birthday.


perhaps i've accomplished more than i had initially thought.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

it's just once something dies, you can't make it live.

Friday, March 5, 2010

uncanny timing. you got a gift for words.

i can't even begin to describe every beautiful thing that has happened the past couple of weeks.

one thing i do know is that i feel like i'm beginning to feel things again.

just when i was getting so good at callousness.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

don't look straight back; look away.

I guess I just never understood why some people let themselves get so angry that it makes everyone else around them really uncomfortable.

Monday, February 22, 2010

what's left to lose? i've done enough. and if i fail well then i fail but i gave it a shot.

and these last three years, i know they've been hard, but it's time to get out of the desert and into the sun.

even if it's alone.

Monday, February 8, 2010

or maybe, as sure as tomorrow will come.

looking back on my twenties, sometimes i think the only thing i've accomplished is not killing myself.

Friday, January 29, 2010

everything all of the time.


"When you don't want to feel, death can seem like a dream.
But seeing death, really seeing it, makes dreaming about it fucking ridiculous."


i feel like once you see it, there is no going back.
nothing ever appears like it used to.
and though at times dreaming about anything else feels absurd and unrealistic, death is inevitable; and sometimes it's the only thing i'm sure of.
i've certainly felt happiness, and do so on a daily basis, but it is fleeting.
death is concrete.
when death comes it won't make you fall in love then leave you for its ex-lover.
death doesn't ignore your text messages or forget to call.
it rips the rug out from under your feet and sets fire to it.
maybe your bare toes will be on a clean, hardwood floor.
or maybe you'll have to look at that stain on the carpet again.

sure, you're still standing...


but christ that rug was beautiful.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

'cause i'm gonna cut it where i can.

"We found that all five Blue Zones possessed the same nine lifestyle characteristics. Among them: a low-meat, plant-based diet (all of them ate a lot of beans) and a ritual of "downshifting" each day. They experience the same stresses we do -- kids, health, finances -- but they managed it through daily prayer, meditation, ancestor veneration or city-wide happy hours (like the Sardinians).
The secret to
longevity, as I see it, has less to do with diet, or even exercise, and more to do with the environment in which a person lives: social and physical. What do I mean by this? They live rewardingly inconvenient lives. They walk to the store and to their friends' homes and they live in houses set up with opportunities to move mindlessly. They do their own yard work, hand-knead their own bread dough, and, in the case of Okinawa, get up and down off the floor several dozen times a day.
They live in strong families that keep them motivated to support loved ones. Centenarians are still living near their children and feel loved and the expectation to love. Instead of being mere recipients of care, they are contributors to the lives of their families. They grow gardens to contribute vegetables, they continue to cook and clean. This has a powerful two-fold effect: Children and grandchildren in these families benefit from their grandparents' wisdom and care while the centenarians feel the motivation to stay active, to get out of bed in the morning, and live for a purpose."

Full Article

Friday, January 22, 2010

i'm not your babe neither.

d.e.: "it's not his fault he was unhonest."
a.a.: "unhonest? you mean dishonest?"
d.e.: "no, because i feel that 'dishonest' has the connotation that it was intentional."

Thursday, January 7, 2010

who the hell can see forever?

tonight jenny asked me for a hoodie and as i was mentally picturing what was in my closet i remembered that dominick's sweater was in there. i completely forgot i had it. i also just found his mother on facebook so i can finally let her know how much i loved her son and what a wonderful person he was; how much he had an impact on my life.
i started crying again-- what a relief!
this is only the second time i've really let myself mourn his death.
it's not very healthy to do, but i can't help it.
i don't want to cry because that means it's real.

i'd rather cry about a broken heart.

...but everytime my heart breaks i tell myself it's no big deal because i've dealt with worse.